Resumee

So…

First of all I acknowledge that I am fortunate. Extremely fortunate.

About 40 years ago I came across the first teaching of the Buddha, 38 years ago I did my first meditation retreat. I met masters like the Dalai Lama when he was totally unknown in the west and only about a 100 weirdos attended the talk.

The venerable Shodo Harada Roshi, guided the first retreat that I attended, I heard the venerable Tich Naht Hanh speak. And above all, there are two of the most brilliant teachers of meditation in the Theravada tradition, the most venerable Ajahn Tong and Ajahn Suphan who are willing to share their time and wisdom with me to help my meditation progress. Although it is difficult to become a Theravada Bhikkhuni, I became a Theravada Bhikkhuni easily and although it is difficult to come by things as a Bhikkhuni, I always am well supported and mostly well received. A place where the venerables Ajahn Man and Lompu Wen went to, to practice undisturbed was my living place for 5 years.

So, … Why am I not enlightened yet? One thing is clear. The external circumstances cannot be blamed.

So than, … the reason is to find within this very silly nun. Where else, fool?

Some time ago, it occurred to me that attachment is the major course. All that what I have written earlier on about all the love, that I thought to be metta and unconditional. Well, it was maybe not as much craving and clinging as it was before but it was (and still is) plain attachment. Guess what one of the first 10 words was Ajahn Tong said to me, when I started the retreat? : Attachment. There we have it. Everybody knows – except one.

But this is not the only reason. That would be easy. (Relatively) There are stubbornness and resistance and above all or better said underneath all is the wanting of it all. Wanting the attachment, wanting resistance because it is entertaining. At least more entertaining than observing rising, falling, sitting and those underlying tendencies. It gives one a sense of existing and even when I ten times say ‚I want out of Samsara‘, ‚I want enlightenment‘, ‚giving up all‘ and things like that, it is not really true. It is that which I want that I want, on the surface. But underneath there is this craving for existance. Which every second puts fuel into its living-mashine and craves for more fuel. When the gross fuel ran out, because one keeps the precepts, than finer fuel works just as well.

And so, yes I can meditate many years and lifetimes more, if bhava is not stopped.